First
The fish needs to say,
“Something ain’t right about this
Camel ride -
And I’m Feeling so damn
Thirsty.”

Most of us come to practice meditation for exactly what Hafiz points to in this poem.  We get an inkling that something just isn’t right about our lives.  We cannot exactly say what it is that isn’t right.  All the externals may look great, yet the fish on the camel feels that it is not in its natural environment, and it is thirsty.  There is a yearning to connect to something deeper or higher or different.  “Is there something beyond being thirsty on this camel?” This thirst, this niggling feeling, becomes the initiator to start seeking.  What we seek is not yet known.  This is how the path begins & continues; following a feeling and seeking something that will start to quench that thirst.

In my own life, I came to practice through this kind of seeking.  In 1986, I was a dancer -training and auditioning in that competitive world.  I had studied with the “greats” of my time: Martha Graham, Trisha Brown, Laura Dean, etc.   I landed a coveted position with a prestigious dance company.  I was filled with the sense that I had “made it”.  In the third week of rehearsals it dawned on me, I was at the top of the world & yet I was “feeling so damn thirsty”. Something wasn’t right.  All the glamour was not touching what I was seeking.

I did something crazy.  I resigned.  I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew I could not continue on the camel ride.  I spent many gloomy weeks doing my usual ritual of movement classes.  Technique was no longer fulfilling, other dancers avoided me & my internal critics had a heyday.   Then it dawned on me:  though I did not yet know what I was seeking,  I did have the use of a large old room at a local church in exchange for caring for their alter.  For three hours daily, for one year, I locked myself in the empty room, with the intention to move, listen & engage what I was seeking.

For a year I listened.  Sometimes I was inspired by movement, often I laid on the floor wide awake.  At times my mind drove me crazy and periodically there was complete peace.  After a year, I said goodbye to this practice & sought a teacher who would be able to engage what I now knew & guide me in ways to follow what I yet did not know.  It a took a few years to find such a teacher.  When I found one, my heart spun; like a compass that has finally found north, like a dog, who finally understands that a person’s language means something & the possibility of a whole new world awakens.  And so it has continued for me.  I practice, I reach impasses, I listen, I contemplate the seeking heart and a new teacher appears. This is why many practice meditation, to learn to engage what we seek.  Meditation practice is not about ignoring some part of your life.  It starts like the fish on the camel; recognizing something isn’t quite right.  Then it proceeds to asking your questions, engaging your seeking heart and learning tools to bring this heart into your life.

First, The fish needs to say, “Something ain’t right about this Camel ride – And I’m Feeling so damn Thirsty.” – Hafiz

Copyright©Gail Gustafson, 2022 Northfield MN, Original publication Marmapoints, Colorado Springs, April 2011

In the Perfection of Wisdom in Twenty-five Thousand Lines, Subhuti asks the Buddha, 'Bhagavan, if a noble son or daughter should set forth on the bodhisattva path, how should they stand, how should they walk, and how should they control their thoughts?'

The Buddha said to him, 'Subhuti, toward all beings maintain unbiased thoughts and speak unbiased words. Toward all beings give birth to thoughts and words of kindness instead of anger, compassion instead of harm, joy instead of jealousy, equanimity instead of prejudice, humility instead of arrogance, sincerity instead of deceit, compromise instead of stubbornness, assistance instead of avoidance, liberation instead of obstruction, kinship instead of animosity.’

~ Jeff Bickford, mahakalaradio.org 7/23/20

(In order to hear what is being conveyed in the following, one needs to stay with it, it bears fruit, but we have to work a bit.... and sometimes just come back later)

Subhuti said to the Buddha, 'Bhagavan, if a noble son or daughter should set forth on the bodhisattva path, how should they stand, how should they walk, and how should they control their thoughts?'

The Buddha said to him, 'Subhuti, those who would now set forth on the bodhisattva path should thus give birth to this thought: 'However many beings there are in whatever realms of being exist, I shall liberate them all. And though I thus liberate countless beings, not a single being is liberated'.

'And why not? Subhuti, a bodhisattva who creates the perception of a being cannot be called a 'bodhisattva'. And why not? Subhuti, no one can be called a bodhisattva who creates the perception of a self or who creates the perception of a being, a life, or a soul.'

Seng-chao says, 'Nothing arises on its own. Everything is the result of karma. All it is is karma. It possesses no self-nature. According to the Middle Path, since nothing possesses any self nature, it does not exist. Yet we give things a name, hence they do not not exist. Because we do not not give them names, we keep liberating beings. But because their natures are empty, we do not actually liberate anyone. And why don't we liberate anyone? If the concept of a self existed, we could say that somebody is liberated. But since neither a self nor an other exist, who is liberated? It is only a fiction.'

Ch'en Hsiung says, 'Manjushri once asked the Buddha, 'What do you mean when you say not a single being is liberated?' And the Buddha replied, 'Our nature is ultimately pure and subject to neither rebirth nor nirvana. Thus, there are no beings to liberate, and there is no nirvana to be attained. It is simply that all beings revert to their own nature.'

- The Diamond Sutra
text and commentaries translated by Red Pine

~ Jeff Bickford, mahakalaradio.org 7/23/20

She prayed, not with words,
but by somehow igniting a candle-flame within her
that burned bright and still.

- Ellis Peters

you can pray with words
or a mantra
or without

you can hold an image in your heart's eye of a deity,
or not

you can pray while
laying down
kneeling
sitting in a chair
standing up
standing still
running fast
walking slowly
driving your car
in a jumble

you might feel gratitude, longing, faith, devotion, love, joy, sorrow
or something you cannot describe

or it may just be
you become,

a flame

burning bright and still

He prayed as he breathed, forming no words and making no specific requests, only holding in his heart, like broken birds in cupped hands, all those people who were in stress or in grief.

- Ellis Peters

~ Jeff Bickford, mahakalaradio.org 6/1/20

Kitty sits on the floor, looking up at the birds outside the window. Though she has pounced at them every morning for the past 5 days, she has not learned that they are beyond her reach. She collided with the window which knocked the shade down upon her. She leaped at the bird beyond the window and landed on the wintering geranium pot which cracked spewing dirt over her and the rug. Kitty's front claws were mercilessly caught in the second window shade, which led to great howling and thrashing, thus ripping a gash in the shade. Every day a new aspect of the interior window sill has fallen, broken and tumbled upon Kitty. Yet, she has not learned that the birds are outside, nor that jumping toward them results in items crashing about her. Kitty has not made the connection that the bird outside, to which she chatters, is unaffected. The bird continues in its usual way. The cat covered with dirt and parts of window shades continues in her habitual way. What does Kitty teach me?

I look out my imagined widow and see the future that I want to have. It does not seem out of reach, as I can see it clearly. My future looks delectable. It is right there, outside my imagined window, glowing with promise. Every day my future appears again. This time it is a small grey bird of the American Southwest. Yesterday it was a Goldfinch. Tomorrow it may be a Robin. My future hops around outside. It is small, vibrant and alive with potential. I keep chattering at it. I should be able to nab it, to get it in my claws, but there is a barrier which I do not see. I keep trying to grab onto my future as I see it, even when flower pots fall on my head and my hand bashes against the window. What is the obstacle to the future?

I open the laptop into another world. A world we used to call the 'world wide web'. This web shows me a form of the present. I stare into this web and seek comfort, excitement, connection, community, meaning, distraction, hope... The window through which I gaze is forgotten. Like Kitty, I start to believe that what I see is already mine to devour, to toy with, to do my bidding. As I look into this web, I am anything, anyone, anywhere. My present hops around in the screened web offering anything my mind desires. It is all there, just by opening my laptop. My present dances about for hours while I am unmoved. I should be able to nab this present, it is me, it is mine. I do not acknowledge the strain of my effort. Every day I open the laptop into the world of the present, and yet I am unsatisfied. What is the obstruction to the present?

Kitty saunters inside after hunting mice in the nighttime garden, puffed up from her success. A few steps in the front door, she halts uncertain of her surroundings. Is this the house that she remembers from her past? She slips beneath furniture, hugs walls, hides in corners, slowly reorienting to her past territory. She observes the humans with vigilance. She sniffs the air, the sleeping dog's paws and each door frame. If there is a chair slightly out of place, a pillow fallen to the ground or any new object in the room, Kitty will bide her time with extra alertness. Kitty makes sure the past, her territory, is in order. If it is not as she remembers it to have been, she will cry out and hide in safe locations. There she will remain, until the past is put together in its usual way. Only then will she rest for the night, asleep until the birds outside return.

How do I secure my past? When I close the laptop of my present, I wander in my territory, my home, which is my past. The African violet cultivated for 30 years. The books I relied upon for my training. The art created by my partner. This past, just so, tells me who I am, who I was. If my past is altered, where do I stand? I do not see this past, instead I call it home. Home is comfortable, stable, same, unchanged. Like Kitty, if my territory is altered, I become disturbed, I will cry out and hide in safe locations. Like Kitty, if my home, my past, is not as I remember it to have been, I become hesitant, alert, uneasy. Plants die, teacups break, artwork fades.... There is a stumbling block that I do not acknowledge. What is the barrier to releasing my past?

Kitty indeed is a furry teacher. Her actions are entertaining and they are also my own. They point me to look internally. This ability to look internally is indeed what Dharma, meditation practice trains you to do. As I take in Kitty's behavior, and see how it is my own, I recall the words of a truly great teacher. Tilopa, (988-1609) is a key figure in the Karma Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Buddhism. The Six Words of Advise, translated by Ken McLeod below, is one of Tilopa's Mahamudra teachings..

Let go of what has passed.

Let go of what may come.

Let go of what is happening now.

Do not try to figure anything out.

Do not try to make anything happen.

Relax, right now and rest.

Each line is a step. Each step is followed carefully. Only when you see the barrier and beyond, do you move to the next step. Gradually step by step, wisdom increases.

Though Kitty and I have a long road to follow, we, just like you, have the potential to wake up. May you follow the words of advise, step by step, awakening in this one life. There is no hurry, the birds will still hop outside, while you learn to Rest.

~ © Copyright Gail Gustafson, mahakalaradio.org 4/23/20

if I die today, let me be in love with the world rather than afraid of it.

I awoke at the first dawn with that wish. 

It is an easy slippery slope to make fun of the reactive fearful behavior of 'others'.  I can giggle at their behaviors; hoarding paper, or flour, or yeast.  I can say "I can't believe how he took all the apples, rather than offer some to the others waiting".   What is it we cannot believe?  Are we that hardened, that we have not felt these urges and done similar behaviors ourselves?  I think not.  What is it we cannot believe?  Perhaps it is that we cannot believe that "I" am just like "them"?  Perhaps we cannot believe we are not different?  I must be higher, more logical, more controlled, more humane, because I can point fun at others.  If I can put them down, then I move up.   Consider this...

Why is it so hard to allow our heart to break? 

Perhaps it is fear?  Look inward.  Is that so?

What if I can never put my heart back together again?  What if my world never returns to "normal"?  Well, Hurrah!  A new heart breaks free.  Think of the new shoots of a spring perennial plant.  They are the freshest green, the first green, the raw, undisturbed green.  They have been waiting all winter, hunkered down in the soil.  They have appeared to all the world as a dried, gnarly root, devoid of life.  How has your heart appeared to the world?  A new heart peeks out of the old gnarly shield.  At once there is the rawness, the bare uncertainty of the earliest sign of love, of deeply felt experience, of the fluttering potential of the not yet known. 

During my second dawn meditation practice this morning, my heart broke apart.  I received a gift, a blessing directly into the heart.  Like a rolling earthquake, like an approaching thunderstorm my abdomen responded heaving and then shuddering deep at my core.  Tears fell like a summer rain, dropping onto Kitty who had been purring in my lap.  My mind saw all of us fearful people, sorrowful people, people rigidly holding onto worn out beliefs.  "For the suffering of beings, may overwhelming compassion be born in my being.  While such compassion is immediate, its emptiness is nakedly clear." (paraphrased Rangjung Dorje, Karmapa III, Aspirations for Mahamudra) 

We are here, at the edge.  The potential to turn back to old ways is strong.  The potential to jump forward is equally strong.  The world asks us "Can you shift?  Can you open that gripped palm?  Can you release your jaw?  Can you allow your heart to open? 

There is no enemy, but willfully ignoring what is happening.  

That internal grip can keep us from tearfulness, from the pain of change, from the tremendous power of compassion.  

If I die today, let me be in love with the world, rather than afraid of it.  

~ © Copyright Gail Gustafson, mahakalaradio.org 3/26/20